Hot Dentists (The Downside of Dentistry)

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Melissa’s Take: Nasim and I still visit the same dental care office in our hometown, and unfortunately, it is staffed with unnecessarily attractive people. Everyone who we’ve spoken with, who gets the dental work done here, couldn’t agree more.

When I visit the dentist, there are certain things I expect. I expect to be yelled at for not flossing enough and reminded that it’s probably not my fault because my “people” tend to have enamel that lends to unfortunate build-up. (How they got ahold of my 23andMe DNA results, I will never understand.) I expect to endure small talk as I struggle to articulate with dental instruments in my mouth. However, just enough time passes between my regular cleanings for me to forget just how unbelievably hot everyone there is. And the dentists and hygienists alike, both men and women, who examine my pearly whites, are stunning. I believe that universal sex appeal must be a requirement for working here. I usually roll up in sweatpants (yoga pants if they’re lucky), a messy bun, an old high school t-shirt, and no make-up. I curse myself every time for forgetting to put a little more effort into my appearance.

Oddly enough, I look forward to each dentist appointment because it is a chance for me to force myself to sit still for an hour and try to relax. It’s one of the only opportunities I have in my schedule to do so. I want to completely check out and watch a TV show as someone attacks my mouth with tools that sound like props from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I shouldn’t have to worry about impressing you because you are so gorgeous when I am so vulnerable - when you are making me wear too-cool-for-school sunglasses indoors, stretching my mouth into odd shapes, and picking plaque off my teeth with a mini squirt gun. While I may not appreciate this experience my insurance is covering as well as I should, I suppose I can understand the appeal. I guess it’s no wonder that they don’t have appointments available for six months at a time. All the soccer moms of this small town are probably vying for a “deep cleaning,” if you know what I mean.

Nasim’s Take: I don’t consider myself a superficial person. Most days I wake up and feel confident that make-up is unnecessary and time consuming. I’m a firm believer in natural and inner beauty. The dentist office is not where I would’ve expected to question my beliefs!

When I think of sitting in a chair with someone’s hand in my mouth for upwards of an hour, I think of sweatshirts and yoga pants. So when I prepared for my annual dentist appointment I became the epitome of #messyhairdontcare. I was exhausted but I was confident that I had struck the perfect balance of comfy and cute. I wasn't trying to hard but I was presentable… Or so I thought.

The first blow to my ego came when I approached reception. These soccer moms were adorable. Their hair was perfectly colored and their cateyes were even AF! They checked me in as I checked out their highlights. I don't remember the last time I colored my hair. Hell, I don't remember the last time I did anything other than a messy bun.

I sat in the waiting room reassuring myself that I too look as put together as these administrators when I'm at work. Then who appeared to be America’s Next Top Model called my name to escort me back to the office. I stared at the beautiful Aryan princess through my doodoo-colored eyes. Her makeup was perfect! She looked ready for the rose ceremony and even in her scrubs I promise you, she's getting a rose.

It's like the office itself wanted to knock me down a peg and remind me how shlubby I was. Around every corner was a mirror through which I could compare myself to the hygienist leading me through the building. Finally we reached the room and Barbie went to get the dentist.

I took the opportunity to breathe and put on the goofy sunglasses to shield my eyes from the glaring light. McDreamy walked in as soon as the dumbest glasses in the world were secured on my face. His stubble was perfection. His eyes were inviting pools of blue. He said hello and before I had a chance to respond… His hands were exploring my mouth. Never have I been so uncomfortable.

I want my dentist to be a jolly old man!!! Is that too much to ask?! I would rather go to the gynecologist than see my hot dentist and his hygienic angels ever again.