All's fair.


The events of December 31, 2018 still haunt me. We were playing a drinking game, as one does when waiting for the new year, and I landed on “Call an Ex.” I called my British ex knowing he’d be asleep halfway across the world. He checked his phone later and asked to see me when he came into town for a work event…which would be in two weeks. I acquiesced because I felt guilty for calling him and giving him hope, and I also felt like I was in a really good place. Like if I’d see him, I’d have enough strength not to strangle him. And that is not an innuendo. We talked for three hours in a conference room. He did the thing he always does with his hair and looked forlorn. He acted so familiar with me when I haven’t had a proper conversation with him since 2017. It was like nothing had changed. He seems to have forgotten that he broke up with me…two years ago. Since then, he has written me a letter on hotel stationary, begged to meet for coffee, sent me flowers on my birthday - writing that breaking up with me with the biggest regret of his life to-date, and texted me. All of which I had pretty much blown off. When we met in the conference room, he told me that he’s seeing a therapist and that I come up a lot. He apologized sincerely to me, which I appreciated, and then had a proposition for me as a way to make amends. I won’t bore you with the juicy details, but I assure you, no therapist in their right mind would have approved what he suggested. He also admitted to me that he’s like the lead character from You - which no one should ever admit to. As awful as this person had made me feel once upon a time, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I am capable of letting things go. I do have it in me to wish for the best for someone who had once hurt me so much. And I was proud of myself. He would try to get a jealous rise out of me, but I would not rise to the occasion. I told him I hoped things would work out for him. And, what’s more, I actually meant it. I kept most of the details of my recent conquests, which I knew would hurt him, to myself. Old me would have jumped at the opportunity to make him suffer. In fact, I thanked him. So many wonderful things came of our break up. It was one of the best years of my life because the pain he caused me allowed me to experience joy fully when it came around. And it started with O’ahu. To read more about my time in paradise click here. Otherwise, the below was a post that I wrote following our breakup. Two years later, and I’m still so thankful for the incredible people I have in my life who got me through the worst of it, and I am a better person because of them:

I'm not usually public about my love life, but I want to share this to show how grateful I am for the people I have surrounding me here and miles away. (By the way, I'm not with Nasim (pictured above). She's the worst.) And to show that it's okay to not be okay and to seek out help when you need it. This past month has been difficult, but I found advice and strength from even the most unexpected places. So many offered wisdom beyond compare or measure. That I should be pursued and loved as Christ pursues and loves me. Or "You deserve someone who sees you inside and out. Once that someone sees you, I doubt very much that even 18 minutes apart would be manageable for him, let alone 18 months. If I can be just one little sliver of a mirror that helps you realize who you are...then I am thankful to play that role...Look at everything you are--the world (love included) waits on you. Not the other way around." Or "A heart and spirit as big as yours may sometimes be hurt but it and you will never be broken.❤" And while so many helped me make sense of a senseless situation and a, truly, selfish decision, my best friend, Nasal, was there to remind me of my worth. This woman, who has a busier schedule than anyone you or I know, took the time to stay up late one night to create the below collage and screenshot message that affected me in a way only a best friend's note could. It was comforting, uplifting, and yet, unfailing in putting me in my place.😹 I hope EVERYONE has a ride or die like this.💞And if you don't, I hope you know you can reach out, and I'd be happy to remind you why I think YOU are great. 💗